Valentine’s Day can be a trap
for those already caught in an abusive relationship
By Paul Bukovec, LCSW
When is the romantic excess of Valentine’s Day’s the most insidious and
pernicious?
When it’s part of the sad folie à deux
that locks both parties into a temporary denial of the harsher realities of
abuse and neglect that otherwise plague their relationship. Blinded by the
almost narcotic trance state of dreamy generosity, sweet behaviors, and sexual
closeness, a couple can actually trick themselves into the kind of unfortunate
wishful thinking that raises expectations and increases the height of the
inevitable fall.
So Valentine’s Day can and often does become another reenactment of that
eternally returning cycle of abuse that is fueled as much by the honeymoon phase
of apologetic denial of the deeper problems as it is by the inexorable rise of
tensions that explodes into verbal or emotional or physical abuse.
This is the harsh truth of many tragic stories told over and again in the
abuser treatment program I’ve been running for the past 18 years. We
frequently admonish our clients to slow down and resist this and other
temptations to shower their partners with compensatory gifts or excessive
demonstrations of love. The main danger is, unfortunately , that she very
well may allow herself to be taken in by a display that meets a deep desire to
be pampered and cherished, but temporarily disables her early warning devices
that would otherwise wail for caution. Then the false hope begins again.
We recommend a different way to approach a partner who we have treated badly.
A contrite, respectful distance is usually much better than apologetic pursuit.
Indeed, apologies are often particularly invidious from those who offer them too
willingly and promptly repeat the offense soon thereafter. The best way to
attempt a process of reconciliation with an offended partner is to take
responsibility for what we did, to acknowledge that responsibility clearly and
directly, regardless of any perceived provocation. It’s important to
genuinely and humbly not expect to be forgiven. Forgiveness is the
prerogative of the offended party, not the entitlement of the offender.
To bribe the other with flowers, candy or dinner out, or to simply try to
jump over the natural consequences of hurt, distance and mistrust in a deluge of
romantic maneuvers essentially delays or avoids the necessity of dealing with
the problem which was and is the abusive reaction to difficulties within the
relationship.
The crucial piece here is that the abusive reaction, whether it be contempt,
intimidation, name calling, shouting, or violence is itself a problem that must
be taken responsibility for before the other relational difficulties can be
addressed. Attempts at reconciliation will usually be overshadowed by that
invisible crouching tiger of abuse unless it is caged, subdued and tamed.
Acknowledgment of the wrongness of abusive overreaction certainly takes
humility and courage and a firm purpose of and intention for amendment.
It's a lot tougher than buying cards and gifts. It's a lot less euphoric
than a night of candles and romance. It will often require getting help
and showing consistent positive effort.
It will last a lot longer than Valentine’s Day.
Paul Bukovec is the Director of Menergy
