Owning up to the abusiveness of everyday life
by Paul Bukovec, LCSW
In
the almost twenty years of counseling men who abuse their partners, I’ve been
asked lots of questions about my clients.
People frequently want to know how these guys justify
their actions, explain their behavior, or deny their responsibility, and I’m
left wondering what makes so many people think that “these guys” are so
different from the rest of us. Sure, a significant segment of this population
is different...twenty to twenty-five percent of abusers are cold blooded
sociopathic individuals with no real conscience or remorse and a history of
violence and assault outside the home. But the rest, THE VAST MAJORITY, are
pretty much like the rest of us, only, perhaps, a little more so.
My clients are mostly very average, regular guys who get
along fairly well in the world. They hold down a variety of jobs; often go to
church, synagogue or mosque; often have a reasonable social life. By and large,
these guys keep it together through the ups and downs, and pressures and insults
of every day life out there in the world. It’s at home where they expect to get
their peace, comfort and satisfaction, and where the stakes can be the highest.
Home is where they feel they have permission to be the most thin-skinned, the
most frustrated, and the most entitled to vent, displace, and punish. In their
closest human relationships they expect the most and act the most demanding.
And strike out the most. Does that sound familiar?
Maybe its a hazard of my line of work, but I've come to
see in so many of the struggles and processes of every day life the same basic
patterns of dominance and retribution as I do in the more severe cases of
domestic violence. I also see the same kinds of denial and minimizing. The men
I counsel for being domestically abusive typically see themselves as abused, and
only striking back in defense against some perceived wound by a loved one that
really hurts and for which their almost reflexive response is some dominating,
degrading or cruel behavior. So for my clients, taking responsibility for being
abusive or controlling is tough when they feel so righteously indignant at being
disrespected themselves. “An eye for an eye” tends to supersede “two wrongs
don’t make a right.” Sound familiar?
Most physically abusive people will explain away
personal responsibility for their hurtful behavior by emphasizing the
provocation of the other person. It’s even easier to justify verbal or
emotional retaliation or punishment. We see that all around. And it’s the
slippery slope to the down hill stumble to greater and greater damage. Surely
that fall isn’t only taken by those guys we label as abusers or batterers.
Seems to me that in our daily efforts to get our
partners or our children to be what or how we need them to be, our frustrations
and disappointments can lead many of us to coerce or punish. The temptation is
major. It’s a short step from needing to demanding, especially if we were
taught we have a right to expect this or that because we are a man. Or a
woman. Or an adult. Or a boss. Or a breadwinner.
The rest of us probably learn our patterns of harshness
and hurting in the same training centers as my clients: our homes,
neighborhoods and cultures. We usually learn our abusive styles and even our
tactics growing up around and being victimized by the powerful people in our
lives. What we didn’t understudy directly, we can learn as we go. We also learn
the justifications along the way.
Our blaming looks and comments, our judgments, stares,
sarcasm, complaints, badgering and disparaging remarks wound the spirit perhaps
as badly as blows wound the body. And these daily dominations and humiliations
which we do and have done to us are every bit as much a part of the cycle of
abuse as the explosions that send my clients to me.
Most of my clients only come for help if confronted by
loss. When they finally face the possible disappearance of their families, or
partners, or children, or perhaps even their freedom they may reach out. Unless
facing dire consequences, few look at the damage all around. Fewer still look
inside. I consider this a sobering truth for us all.
The work of recovery and reconstruction that these men
must choose to undergo is also humbling and inspiring to witness. The few who
step forward and up, have to break old habits learned long ago. They must give
up blaming others for their actions. They must take full responsibility for
everything they say and do. They must learn more empathy; to divest themselves
of entitlements; to be accountable; to thicken their skins; to express
themselves better and more carefully. And they must learn to make amends.
Sound familiar?
Paul Bukovec is the Director of Menergy
